POLITICS: Paris for President

I just find it funny that Paris Hilton has a better grip on the energy crisis than John McCain.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

So I guess it's settled - Paris and Rihanna for President.

POLITICS: McCain Gets Slutty

In introducing his wife, McCain noted the ongoing beauty pageant at the event and said that he had "encouraged Cindy to compete. I told her, with a little luck, she could be the only person ever to serve as first lady and Miss Buffalo Chip."

Just wow. This was a direct quote from McCain while attending a biker rally in South Dakota. Little do people know that this Miss Buffalo Chip contest is topless...sometimes bottomless.

Classy. Talk about your conservative morals. Oh wait, I forgot, women don't have rights and are just here for their holes and apple pie. If I ever got a glimpse of that cum dumpster naked I would cry.

Take a look - she is eye fucking the shit out of you right now. I think Cindy is a stage name.

NEWS: Avoid that ETF

Stuck with one of those nasty termination fees from your cell phone? With some persistence and creative thinking, you can get rid of these fees...eventually.

POLITICS: New McCain Ad

So Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have reached fame for no reason? Apparently the McCain campaign hasn't heard the song "Lucky" or have seen the sex tape. Because if they did then they would know why these starlets are so famous - because they have talent. They can sing and fuck with the best of them.

In fact, I think Barack is the only guilty one here. No singing talent, no sex tape = loser. Personally, I would have chosen Tiger Woods and Oprah - two no talent assholes who have unfairly taken advantage of affirmative action and anti-slavery laws. Just another sign of desperation and stupidity by the conservative agenda.

NEWS: Piss Or Get Off the Pot

Kory McFarren pleaded no contest last month to a misdemeanor count of mistreatment of a dependent adult. Why? Apparenlty his live-in girlfriend refused to get off the toilet for over two years and had been sitting on the toilet for at least a month, resulting in the toilet seat actually adhering to sores on her ass.

Now I've spent my fair share of time on a toilet, whether it be from the latest issue of Maxim or a long night of Bud Light and Taco Bell. But this is hardcore.

POLITICS: Finally I Agree with O'Reilly

This is Bill O'Reilly's thoughts on taxes from the Washington Op-Ed -

"Yes, I am part of the 1 percent of Americans that paid an astounding 40 percent of all federal income tax in 2006. According to recently released Internal Revenue Service figures, about 50 percent of my fellow Americans paid no federal income tax at all that year. My fellow 1-percenters and I covered for them. But for some it is still not enough.

President Obama and a Democratic Congress will likely dole out entitlements like free health care, child care and cash payments to anyone who falls under a certain income level, no matter their circumstances. That means people who drink gin all day will get some of my hard-earned money. Folks who dropped out of school, who are too lazy to hold a job, who smoke reefers 24/7 all will get some goodies in the mail from Uncle Barack and Aunt Nancy, funded by me and other rich folks."

I don't want Bill O'Reilly to pay taxes. I want him to be dead. It's completely unfair to this country that people like him are not only alive but have a disturbing effect on the simple minds of American's.

And his "hard earned" money? Please. Without the all of the poor, stupid people in America tuning into FOX News, he wouldn't even have a job.

POLITICS: John "The Geek" McCain

Amidst his fundraising efforts in the San Francisco Bay area, McCain attacked his grandpa image, letting people know that he is more tech-savvy than people give him credit for. Right. He sounded like an expert though, I'll give him that:

• “I do understand the importance of the computer. I understand the importance of the blogs.”
• “But I am forcing myself … let me put it this way, I am using the computer more and more every day.”
• “I use a computer almost every day. I go on different web sites … ours and the various media.”

The best part about this story is that a local hacker recently retrieved McCain's internet history (via the Patriot Act). The boring stuff was his email and his homepage "hornydefinatelyunderagewhiteandonlywhitegirls.com."

The real kicker was in his outrageous Google searches:
- women, slaves, how to
- viagra
- legalize lynching petition
- diapers, veteran's discount

NEWS: Chalk One Up for the Gays

No riots. No fights. Just dancing sprites in the streets of MA as its house passed a bill to repeal the 1913 law that bars same sex couples from out of state to be married there.



"The bill cleared a final hurdle this afternoon, when the House of Representatives passed the bill on a roll call vote after about 45 minutes of debate. The vote was 118-35, with five members not voting.

The 1913 law prohibits out-of-state couples from marrying in Massachusetts if their marriage would be considered void in their home state, and it has prevented most same-sex couples from out of state from marrying in Massachusetts. LGBT advocates and their allies in the legislature have argued that the law was passed in 1913 in part to prevent interracial couples from skirting anti-miscegenation laws in their home states."

link

This is basically throwing one big semen log in the face of bible thumping conservatives...I love it. WWJD? Probably the guy with the biggest cock, then turn his cum into wine...at least that's what I got out of the Bible.

POLITICS: Stump the McCain

Ahhh...the dramatic effects of Alzheimer's Disease. Because of people like John McCain, birth control is borderline necessary.

For those of you a little fuzzy on McCain's stance on the important issues (aside from Viagra), here a comprehensive list:

Abortion - I'm a war hero
Civil rights - I'm a war hero
Education - I'm a war hero
Environment - I'm a war hero
Family - I'm a war hero
Gun Control - I'm a war hero
Health Care - I'm a war hero
Iraq - I'm a war hero
Seniors and Social Services - I'm a war hero

TECH: Pouring Aid for Invalids

Tired of lifting those heavy 2 liter bottles? Pour Thing to the rescue, solving the problem of pouring soda that has plagued millions this year alone. The best thing about it is that you can store it right in the fridge. Booyah.



Now before you go thinking this is the worst idea ever (besides a "jump to conclusions" mat), let me say this - a little known fact is that if you had to lift 100 two liter bottles of soda that would be 440lbs, or one Rosie O'Donnell. What person can do that?

POLITICS: We Report. You Decide.

I think Old School's Dean Pritchard (a.k.a. Cheese) sums it up best - "Half these guys don't even go here and that one guy is like ninety."

POLITICS: McCain Hates Children

McCain: My position is, it's not the reason why I'm running for president of the United States. And I think that two-parent families are best for America.

Basically, the interview sounded like this:

Q - So you are against gay marriage?
A - I am for two parent families.
Q - What about adoption?
A - I am for two parent families.
Q - Are you a gay senator?
A - I am for two parent families.
Q - Will you answer any question honestly?
A - I am for two parent families.
Q - How many times did you choke your wife?
A - I am for two parent families.
Q - Do you like Taco Bell?
A - I am for two parent families.

Welcome to McMath 101 where -
2 vaginas = 1 parent
2 penises = 1 parent

POLITICS: Shopping with McCain

I can just read his mind - take the fuckin applesauce I picked out you cunt.



"One's Dole and one's..." as he thinks about where mandarin oranges come from. The clip ends abruptly, right before McCain bends over and asks the workers why they don't have black people to clean up spills.

NEWS: Teen Sentenced 8 Years For Pot

Fort Worth, Texas - Demetris McCoy, 18, received 8 years in prison after a video surfaced showing McCoy giving pot to his 2 and 4 year old nephews. The best part of the video is when he asked them if they have the munchies.

Since when did helping children become a crime? The sad part is that nobody asked the children if they enjoyed it - I wish the law actually cared about a child's feelings.


Is it just me, or is this guy the best guy ever? How often does somebody offer to give you feelings of euphoria, a cigarette, and offer to feed you...for free?! This guy just shot up to the top of my babysitter list.

POLITICS: Obama Officially Cannot Be President!

Barack Obama does not give his children birthday presents, believing that his children should not be spoiled. Wow, this is the icing on the cake. This communist doesn't believe in anything American, e.g., inequality, ignorance, or giving expensive plastic shit to his kids.

I even heard that when the Obama children lose a tooth, the Tooth Fairy comes and beats them with a bag of nickels. I guess he expects them to earn everything...stupid. At least they will respect the value of the dollars being stuffed in their g-strings in a couple of years.

NEWS: McDonalds Loves the Gays

Here is another example of what is wrong with America - the Boycott McDonald's movement.



Here is a direct quote from their homepage - “It is about McDonald’s, as a corporation, refusing to remain neutral in the culture wars. McDonald’s has chosen not to remain neutral but to give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage.”

The icing on the cake is the comments section, and here are some of the winners:

• “Sorry but my morals outweigh my appetite. It is so sad I can’t enjoy this eatery anymore. Please consider the MORALS and FAITH of what made this country great.”
  
• “McDonalds - as long as you are supporting the gay agenda my family of 5 will eat somewhere else.”
  
• “I am VERY disappointed that McDonalds has decided to openly support gay activists and so called “gay marriage”. Our family has been regular customers of McD for 30 years, but we are no longer. When we travel this summer we will be looking elsewhere for food -there are many alternatives.True Christians don’t hate Gays, they only desire to have them acknowledge their sinful lifestyle and and accept Jesus’ forgiveness! We are ALL sinners in need of Jesus’ foregiveness.”
  
• “When I travel I look for a McDonalds for breakfast now I’ll go to Bojangles”
  
• “I am 73, my wife is 70 - As much as we have enoyed the golden archers over the years, we will not continue to do so because of your close minded leadership.”
  
• “My wife, my six children, and I will not be supporting McDonald’s. I do not agree with McDonald’s, as a company, using their financial resources to promote a political issue instead of making fast food. If McDonald’s has money to give… then give more to charity…or help fight the spread of AIDS in Africa, etc., use McDonald’s resources to make a positive impact. I sure am going to miss the Southwest Salad, I was addicted.”

• “It’s a sad thing when a company like McDonal’s cares more about supporting the gay life stle than Christian families. Well, they won’t get any more business from our family! From here to shining sea we won’t eat at another McDonalds!”
  
• “McDonald’s, You are suppose to be a family restaurant. I believe that it is inappropriate for you to speak for or against gay issues. Ronald should be neutral.”
  
• “Please read Genesis 19* God destroys Sodom and Gomorrah* Godly moral values has nothing to do with hate. This is about TRUTH. “The TRUTH will set you free”. GUARANTEED! Then please read 1st Timothy 1:9-11.”
  
• “I refuse to set foot in a McDonalds till they change their ways,my 7 grandkids said “we are going to Burger King “”
  McD’s, My family in which I grew up (yes, all 9 of us) loved your restaurant. In High School after the big game I couldn’t wait to get to McD’s. My family of 9, my wife and 7 children, will no longer go to your restaurant after your blatant disregard for what God says in His Word against the sinful lifestyle that you are choosing to promote. If you will reconsider, we may also. As for now, say goodbye to our business. Mike”
  
• “Gay rights? Gives a whole new meaning to “Happy Meal” doesn’t it? Now not only is McDonalds food bad for your health but it is bad for your morals too!!!! We won’t eat there again unless they change their policy.”
  
• “Have you read the bible? No more McDonald’s for me ever.”
  
• “I am informing all my children an gran children to Boycott Mcdonalds, that is a total of 22 people”
  

See, these are the types of people the death penalty was meant for. Unlike the rapists and the murderers of this world, these people have no chance to be saved. Now if you will excuse me I must get some McDonald's.

MEDIA: Classic

NEWS: Oddly Enough

- Man in Rhode Island was pulled over for drunk driving with a .491 bac, the highest ever recorded for a person who wasn't dead. One word comes to min - hero.



- Police in Arkansas say they found DNA evidence on a half-eaten candy bar helped them zero in on a robbery suspect. Any "man" who only eats half a candy bar should serve time.



- A 56-year-old German living in Paraguay is seeking to become the legal father of 1,000 foreign children so they can have German nationality, education and social benefits. Eat your heart out Shawn Kemp.

TECH: Power of the Tongue

Quadriplegcis have no fear - your tongue is here. A new wheelchair is currently being designed to be driven by your tongue. The reason? Humans have a direct connection between their tongue and brain, thus likely to remain functional even after the most sever accidents.




There is a small magnet attached to the tip of the tongue along with a headset equipped with a couple of three dimensional sensors. These sensors relay the tongues position and movements remotely to steering device that moves the wheelchair.

This is both a great idea for those elderly pornstars as well as a training device for young girls and gay guys. In fact, if had a couple little girls ages ten and under, this would definately be under the Christmas tree come this winter...their boyfriends will thank me later.

NEWS: Blog Back up and Running

We are back.

TECH: Pii Pii

A game titled "Super Pii Pii Brothers" is available in Japan, testing out gamers ability to pee. Simply strap on the the belt and plug in your Wii remote and you are ready to enter a virtual bathroom where the goal is to get as much pee in the toilets as possible, with bonuses for pissing on pets, and penalties for dripping on the floor - just like in real life. Not only can gamers enhance their pissing skills but chicks without dicks can experience peeing with a penis.

Product Features:
Amazing Realistic Pee Fluid Dynamics
Comes with game disc and Wiimote belt harness
Includes cross regional boot disc to allow play on US Wii consoles
Over 100 different peeing environments with multiple toilet and urinal styles
Up to two players can compete with dueling pee streams

Why the fuck is the girl at the end wearing a helmet for?

NEWS: My Heroes

The heroes of these real life stories serve as role models to us all.

• A women in Tempe has been charged will a felony for child abuse after leaving her 5yr old son home alone all night while she went out to a local night club till 4 a.m. After receiving a concerning call from a neighbor, police arrived to find the boy hiding under a blanket with tears in his eyes.

Seriously, this kid is crying at five years old just because he's home alone? That's a blessing buddy. When I was five I had three kids, two cars, and a mortgage. And what was his mother thinking? Either buy the kid some ice cream or get him a decent fake i.d.

• A 16 year old was arrested on auto theft for stealing a local fire engine and running it into a light pole. To make it even worse, he was drunk, resisted the arrest, and was in possession of 21 bundles of marijuana.

See, these are the kinda stories that conservatives love to hear - high and drunk kid does something horribly stupid. You, kid, give a bad name to those who love to get high and want marijuana to be legalized in the U.S. as well as a lower drinking age. Why can't you just down six boxes of pop-tarts and pass out like every other crunk teen does? This story cries for legal hookers - do you really think a 16 year old would pass up some fuzz box for a fire truck? No.

NEWS: Crazy Sex Toys

Through my own personal experience, I highly recommed these toys to spice up your passionate sex life...or if you're a whore then to spice up that overworked vagina.

1. I-Rub-My-Wormie Massager


A personal massager who decieves intruding eyes by cloaking itself as a harmless toy. Just what I want - coming home to my kid playing with a worm meant for a whisker biscuit.

2. Oral Sex Light


Spelunking, anyone? Make sure to test this one out on relatives first...ya know, to get the positioning right. Nothing like wearing a headset while your eatin crabs. Honestly, if you need a light, you don't belong down there.








3. Mooing Cow Thong



Now you can truly satisfy that farm animal fetish. A little blood with your milk?

POLITICS: Killer Electric Cars?

(watch video first)



I completely agree. The first step should be to get rid of all these "silent but deadly" cars that do nothing but save the environment, then we should paint lanes by intersections where people can walk (kind of like a safe zone or something), and then we should invent some sort of device blind people can use like a stick or something. One study shows that the amount of blind people killed by hybrid/electric cars outnumbers those killed by cancer, aids, and bird flu combined annually since 1904. In fact do me a favor and count to 6...............another visually impaired person just got killed by a hybrid. Simply astonishing.

Scenario - Blind person walking on road in downtown city. Blind person comes to intersection and waits to hear noise to walk. Blind person starts walking WHAMMY!!!! a killer hybrid picks off another one. An epidemic to say the least.

Am I missing something here? The problem with energy efficient cars is that they are too quiet? This is borderline ridiculous...I mean, the point of these cars is to reduce pollution, both air and noise, right? What's next, a bill proposing electric cars don't use enough gas? I mean do these people not expect there to be cars on the street? Shocking, you are walking in the city and there are cars on the road. Total fuckin mindblow. Hey, I can't see, so I'm just gonna wander in the middle of the street and if someone hits me it's the cars fault for not being loud enough.

There are approximately 1.3 million Americans who are legally blind. There are about 36.5 million Americans who live below the poverty threshold. Let's pass bills to "help" the blind but deny bills to help families and children who live in poverty. Hmmmm....

If black and white people can learn to get along (I'm talking about the civilized North), then I imagine that hybrids and blinds can learn to do the same. And for all you rednecks who are in love with your cousins and obnoxiously loud 48 wheel trucks cuz they have room for your shotguns, white hoods, and Earnhardt stickers...your opinion doesn't matter here, and it shouldn't matter in the real world.

POLITICS: Bring the GOP to my town

In case you haven't heard, the National GOP Convention will be held in the Twin Cities. Now, at first I felt bad for my neighbors to the left, but not anymore. Minneapolis has decided that during the convention, bar hours will be open to 4 AM. It's gonna be like New Years for a fricken week. And do you know what drunk republicans mean? An increase in demand for male prostitutes? Well yes, but more importantly, drunk Bush twins!(seen at the right) The tabloid headline goes together so well too, "Twin Bushes fall in Twin Cities."

No matter what you think of our great President, you have to admit it would be awesome to say you nailed one of his daughters. Part of me is also tempted to make the 5 hour drive just so i can rip off Tucker Carlson's bow tie and shove it down his throat. But in all seriousness(not that that wasn't serious), who wouldn't love bars being open to 4 am, drunk 'christian's', and the opportunity to see if Ann Coulter is really a woman. I wouldn't recommend that last part though. So because of all that potential awesomeness, I am officially throwing Green Bay in as a contender for the 2012 National GOP Convention. Bring on the Elephants!

NEWS: This Day in History - April 10th

April 10th is an historic day...here are some of the highlights -

• 1866 - The American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) was incorporated. This non-profit humane society helped thousands of animals from the Katrina disaster, such as deploying teams to retrieve abandoned pets and providing shelter. That's exactly two more things than President Bush did.
• 1874 - The first Arbor Day was celebrated in Nebraska, where thousands of trees were planted, much to the displeasure of local conservatives. The very next day, those same conservatives founded the "National Clean Your Gun and Shoot Black People Day." Must have worked as nobody seems to plant trees anymore. The other has turned into an everyday celebration.
• 1912 - British luxury liner Titanic sets sail. I saw the movie...I know how this one ends.
• 1925 - F. Scott Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby" was published, representing how an economic boom can produce unrestrained materialism and a lack of morals in people. Two weeks later, the book was taken off store shelves and removed from schools due to the fact that it exposed how Republicans really are.
• 1930 - Despite pressure from the Pope and crazy catholics worldwide, the first synthetic rubber was produced. Catholics realized that this meant the mass production of condoms, which entailed preventing HIV, gonorrhea, syphilis, unwanted pregnancy, and a multitude of other reasons Republicans use to hate and oppress other people.
• 1936 - The birth of John Madden. Most people think of Madden as a crazy sports commentator and former NFL coach. But he contributed great things to this world, such as the Madden video game, tough actin Tinactin, and turducken.
• 1971 - John Denver's "Take Me Home Country Roads" hits the charts, marking Denver's first song ever to do so. Yeah, that's the same Mr. "Sunshine on my God Damn Shoulders" John Denver we all know and love.
• 1984 - Singer and actress Mandy Moore was birthed. Let's see, that's makes her about 16...way too old for this guy.
• 1996 - U.S. President Clinton vetoed a bill that would have outlawed a technique used to end pregnancies in their late stages. How can you outlaw falling down the stairs?

SPORTS: Need a Fix, Brewers Fans?

Feeling a little under the weather after the Brewers beat down last night? Let's try to be positive, since that always works - there were a couple of bright speckles in the shit Cinci took on us. Bruan and Hall each had a home run, Kendall solidified his MVP resume, and it was actually on tv.

Not working? Thought so...that's why I've decided to recommend cocaine. Cocaine is a widely known stimulant, acting as a dopamine, noradrenaline, and serotonin reuptake inhibitor. This means that it stops these natural neurotransmitters from being reabsorbed into the cells, allowing the body to experience longer effects. In other words, it fucks you up good and turns that frown from the loss into a drooling, confused smirk desperately searching for a cig.

Cocaine is known to cause euphoria to the point of hallucinations, decrease in appetite, hyperactivity, stroke, respiratory failure, renal failure, and oodles of other awesome failures that you don't want to know about. Jackpot! With all of this going on, that Brewer ass beating will get kicked straight to the curb as your brain and body start to shut down on you. Remember, this is all happening while you are loving life. The only side effect I would be worried about is the loss of appetite...but I highly doubt any drug can decrease my eating, so just ignore that side effect and focus on the others.

Brewer game today - have that cocaine ready just in case they suck again. Inject it, snort it, smoke it, sprinkle it on your froot loops - whatever it takes. The glass will no longer seem half empty, but will turn into a parade of dancing spider monkeys chanting Kum Ba Ya.

NEWS: Thief Pummeled by Pussy

A Cedar Rapids, Iowa man was jonesin for some high profile electronics. So, as any normal person would do, he broke into the house of a women and stole her Playstation 3, PSP, cell phones, and video games. But he broke into the house of former professional boxer Derdre Rodriguez, who proceeded to chase him down with an ice scraper and make him her bitch. Talk about your all time backfires.

This is a warning to all the guys out there thinking they can just take whatever they want from helpless women - 99% of the time you can, and even snag some Cheetos or a watch in the process. But that 1% of the time you will stumble across that female boxer, weightlifter, or even Jedi. So just remember that before you score some cool shit for free, there is a possibility of getting your ass dropped by a girl. Do you really wanna be that guy?

Here's a link to the video interview.

TECH: Emergency Text Messaing

No more just for finding out where you are drinking tonight or getting "FREE" ring tones, text messaging will soon become part of the FCC's emergency alert system. The top 4 carriers(ATT, Verizon, T-Mobile, Sprint) have all said they will take part in the system. Seeing as everyone now has cell phones, this does seem like a good idea to get emergency alerts out to as many people as quickly as possible. The alerts will be used for 3 different events according to the FCC and cell-phone users will have the ability to opt out. The 3 events are:

• Terrorist attacks or other threats/events dangering Americans
• Severe weather; tornadoes, hurricanes, etc
• Amber alerts

I have found out the formats that will be used in the actual message. Some examples include, "OMG, alkayda is here!", "run, hrcane is coming", "msing kid, if fnd plz rtrn", and lastly "LOL, Dems sux." Not exactly sure how it would be implemented in terms of location, but anything that is done by the government and knowing where I am does scare me a little...I mean, I LUV USA!

POLITICS: Someone Educated These Fairies

Mike Huckabee, former Republican presidential candidate and complete waste of a human, holds many conservative (a.k.a. stupid) views. For example, he is in favor of: building a 700ft fence on the Mexican border to prevent immigration (who would run delicious Taco Bell?), isolating those with AIDS from the general population (maybe he's afraid of getting sneezed on by Magic Johnson), and believes our children should be taught creationism in public schools (you know, that theory supported by all those facts in that big factual book of facts).

In fact, he once said, "There’s never been a civilization that has rewritten what marriage and family means and survived." In essence, Huckabee believes gay marriage will be the end of society. Apparently these guys missed the memo:



A quote from the jingle "And as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked him." I'm guessin the guy on the right with the lazy eye and extra chromosome is the taker. Maybe they thought Huckabee stood for a binding price-ceiling on smooth peanut butter and Indian food, or just handing it out. These guys just need to shit out their semen logs and realize that Huckabee hates them...wrongfully I might add. If I've said it once I've said it a million times - nothing wrong with being gay, just being a conservative.

SPORTS: NCAA Tournament Reflections

March Madness has officially come to an end as the Lady Vols beat down on Stanford earlier this evening, a game where not even the hype of two girls all over each other (Candice on Candice Part II) could get me to watch this pad straddling fest some call basketball. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for women's sports and achievements and all that garbage, but don't ask me watch it. I especially like the fact that Yahoo Sports page didn't even have an option to check the box score mid-game and ESPN failed to have the players names linked to a personal profile. Bravo.

But my real focus was on the tournament - the one not on the rag. Most people recognize men's college basketball by joining the office pool and filling out a bracket full of unknown teams with numbers by them. Fair enough, the regular season doesn't really matter anyway. But who tends to win these pools? Logic would lead you to believe the avid and knowledgeable sports fan would have the best chance. Others, through experience, realize the dumb blond who just randomly picks teams to win based on syllables, team colors, or the voices in their head has a great chance to win due to the amount of semi-unpredictable upsets in the tournament. In other words, things always happen that shouldn't happen...you just can't pick them unless you don't know any better.

I have never had much luck with this tournament and bracket shit, I feel as though I'm too rational of a person to predict the unpredictable. Maybe I'm just stupid, the point still remains I suck at this. Even worse, when the "knows nothing but likes to think he does" kid cashes in your "friendly" pool while you don't, it makes you wanna cry...or kill a bunch of homos. But that would be wrong.

So I started to think - why can't I ever win? Why don't I see those crazy upsets coming? As a scientist, I analyzed this years pool and finally figured it out. My whole mindset was wrong - the winning bracket has nothing to do with what games were picked, or even how many it got right. I was too focused accumulating the most total points to be the winner. That would make too much sense and be way too obvious. The decisive measure was the name of the bracket. Look at the data from my personal pool this year - the two bracket names that won money this year were "redwhiteandCarolinablue" and "awkward turtles." These names are clever, yet not crossing any lines. One is a patriotic pun representing UNC and USA, while the other is both a cartoon turtle and a universal hand signal. Clever, yet not offensive - that's what brings home the cash money. Now, my bracket name, "alabama hot pocket" (Google it), while quite clever and witty, crosses that line between winning and losing. I finished a respectable fourth, simply due to the slick name, but didn't win because I lacked class.

Lesson learned - don't worry about your picks, worry about the name. Don't spend all the hours before the tip of the tourney pondering matchups and upsets. That's precious time you could be using to come up with the perfect bracket name, the only true path to success. And if that flamboyant kid with the chronic giggle still wins it again next year, rest easy knowing that even God feels sorry for them once in a while. It's only fair.

POLITICS: Boycott the Olympics?

So, what does Redstate.com, Hillary Clinton, and other stupid people have in common? They think we should boycott the opening ceremonies of the Olympic games in China. Others think we should skip the games all together. They say it would be a symbolic stand against China embarrassing them in the world community. A symbolic stand? What the hell does that matter? Does China really care about something so trivial; not when we are importing billions of dollars of Chinese goods every year. That's what we should really be concerned about. But instead of taking a real stand against China, it's better to make some lame attempt involving the Olympics. Give me a fricken break.

Now, don't get me wrong, I hate China like every other warm-blooded American, but I'm for taking a real stand against them, not this bullshit. Boycotting the games and still sending them billions is like spitting in the wind and hoping to cause a flood. But that's the way most Americans think. We'd rather do something symbolic and ultimately meaningless then something concrete and effective but difficult. Taking the easy way out, the American Way!

POLITICS: George W. Worst Ever

A recent poll taken of historians on George Mason University has 61% of them ranking George W. as the worst president of all time. One historian had this to say - "Glib, contemptuous, ignorant, incurious, a dupe of anyone who humors his deluded belief in his heroic self, he has bankrupted the country with his disastrous war and his tax breaks for the rich, trampled on the Bill of Rights, appointed foxes in every henhouse, compounded the terrorist threat, turned a blind eye to torture and corruption and a looming ecological disaster, and squandered the rest of the world's goodwill. In short, no other president's faults have had so deleterious an effect on not only the country but the world at large."

And another -

"Bush does only two things well. He knows how to make the very rich very much richer, and he has an amazing talent for f**king up everything else he even approaches. His administration has been the most reckless, dangerous, irresponsible, mendacious, arrogant, self-righteous, incompetent, and deeply corrupt one in all of American history."

35% ranked him in the ten worst of all time, stating that is too early to proclaim him the worst. The remaining 4% put Bush in the top 2/3 - these are the rich, white idiots. This article doesn't even touch on the stupidity of Rove, Rumsfeld, Yoo, Gonzales, Feith, Alberto, and the rest of the Hitler Youth. Personally, Yoo by far is the worst, since we both slid out in Seoul, S. Korea...only this guy is a genuine jerkoff. But hey, I guess he's not the only one out there who believes in torture and abolishing the Geneva Conventions treaties...but he is the only slanteyed ching chong who is lickin George W's taint while touching his baby penis. At least the only one I'm aware of.

Hit the link for the article**

**I know this article may be difficult to read for anyone out there who is dumb enough (or rich enough) to like Bush - you people only respond to childish things, like loud noises and who promises to give you ice cream. So here are some charts put together by a 3rd grader made especially for you people to understand...I know pie and graph charts made for human beings of average intelligence are difficult for you to comprehend.

MEDIA: Seriously???

I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to feel after watching this video.

My first reaction

so as the asians girlfriend, one nite after work we were on our way out to have a beverage and i asked what did you do today? he replied, you will never guess! i was so productive! and i was like oh, did you get a job? he replied no, but something that i normally wouldn't do. i said oh, did you vaccum?? he said uh no. i said well what, what did you do? he replied, i created a blog. my response- what's a blog?

i am so excited about this blog idea and i hope that people take interest in his well thought out opinions and variety of topics featured. while slightly random but with an intelligent edge, i hope everyone is drawn to this blog as a place to learn new things and have some great conversation starters!

SPORTS: Vick - You Can Only Hope to Detain Him

Career ending killing spree? Think again. Michael Vick has resurrected his playing career once again, this time being his freak self on the jail yard field as the qb for the Leavenworth football team. Vick also receives about 12 cents an hour for doing dishes, a far cry from his 130 million dollar contract he once had with the Falcons. This is good news for all you Vick fans, demonstrating his commitment to stay in shape.

He is scheduled for release in July of 2009...I'm sure the canine community will be lickin their chops.

SPORTS: Bracketology lessons from America's Future

The future of America looks bleak as both Obama and McCain failed to correctly pick the winner of the NCAA Men's Div I Tournament this year. In fact, neither of them had Kansas or Memphis in the final. Talk about a vote changer...Hillary is looking stronger than ever.

Rumor has it McCain just crossed off all the poor schools and the ones with minorities. Essentially, he has Duke winning every year. I honestly don't see how people like this douche bag. Obama, I must admit I'm a little disappointed. You seemed like a baller to me...perhaps it was your skin.

TIPS: Dry Erase Magic

Although going unnoticed by the general public, this plague has spread throughout millions of schools and offices across the United States. Permanent marker on whiteboards - nothing else can make a great day go to shit like having "nagger" or "alabama hot pocket" written on your precious whiteboard and having the prankster laugh while you feebly try to erase it.

When this epidemic was brought to my attention, me being the philanthropist that I am could not turn a cold shoulder like the rest of this heartless, conservative nation. So I am here to proclaim the solution: simply write over the word/s with a dry erase marker very slowly, then erase. You're welcome.

SPORTS: The Streak

Die hard baseball fans participate in MLB.com's Beat the Streak, a game where one must pick one player per day that will get a hit, stringing more than 56 consecutive picks correctly.

A grad student and a professor at Cornell decided to create an alternate baseball universe and simulate the history of baseball to determine how likely DiMaggio's 56 game hit streak actually was. The result - the streak was all but a sure thing to happen, but odds are it wouldn't have been DiMaggio. The longest simulated streak actually reached 109 games. Obviously it would be nerely impossbile to simulate things such as playing with injuries, weather, stress of beating the streak, and how the game of baseball has dramatically changed. But a cool idea nonetheless.

Hit the link for the full article.

ENTERTAINMENT: Hannah Montana, Blu-ray Style

Impressed by Miley Cyrus' success in the music industry? Spend too much dough on beer and hookers to buy tickets to her sell out concerts? Have no fear, blu-ray is here...with a 3D bang.

The first ever 3D high definition experience will go on sale on April 19th in the form of "Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus: The Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour." Yes you read correctly - this means full 1080p 3D video and uncompressed 7.1 pcm (pulse-code modulation) audio of Hannah Montana from the privacy of your own home. It will also come with a 2d viewing option, just in case your mind can't handle the true awesomeness of a 3d high-def Disney creation prancing out of your tv.

So mark your calenders for April 19th, teens and pedophiles alike. Everybody's doing it.

TECHNOLOGY: Feeling Stupid, HD DVD Owners???

For all you Sony haters (and I know there are about 9 billion of you) who bought into HD DVD format/players, your hearts and egos may have been crushed over the past couple months. Tear. Well, I take that back. Since you did buy an HD DVD player, you probably are oblivious to crazy things...such as facts and reality...and how awesome Sony is.

But it's ok that Toshiba pulled the plug, you may be able to get some dough back for your stupid investment. Wal-Mart (yes, that evil bastard corporation everybody verbally abuses yet loves to shop at) is offering refunds for HD DVD players bought on and after Nov. 1 07 until April 30. Needed - receipt. Best Buy is also offering customers a $50 gift card for a purchase before Feb. 23, even for the Xbox 3Shitty add on - you can even keep your useless HD DVD player as an everyday visual reminder of how stupid you actually are.

Don't even try to pawn it off to a friend or sell at your grandma's garage sale this summer - just bury it in the backyard next to your dead pet as an exhibit of your stupid investments. Jokes - I love pets. I have a little sister.

SPORTS: Thoughts on Brewers Victory...

• Ben Sheets - Could this be another 2004? With a typical Sheets game with zero walks and eight k's, he doubles his career cg shut outs and is on pace to have a .00 era. Let's keep our fingers crossed to avoid tendenitis, hamstring pulls, and leprosy this year.


• Ryan Braun - Two hr in two days, starting to heat up. Good news for Brewer fans and fantasy players out there. Damn you KPanz. Damn you.


• Jason Kendall - Turning back the clock and making his presence felt in the nine hole. Polar opposite of Estrada - he can move. Perhaps less power, but higher OPS. Lets not forget Kendall once snagged 26 bases, and has eight seasons of double digit steals under his belt, three of those being of 20 or more.


• Hit parade - everyone but Sheets chimed in. I guess he was too busy being awesome.
• Link to ESPN box score - http://scores.espn.go.com/mlb/boxscore?gameId=280406108