POLITICS: Paris for President

I just find it funny that Paris Hilton has a better grip on the energy crisis than John McCain.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

So I guess it's settled - Paris and Rihanna for President.

POLITICS: McCain Gets Slutty

In introducing his wife, McCain noted the ongoing beauty pageant at the event and said that he had "encouraged Cindy to compete. I told her, with a little luck, she could be the only person ever to serve as first lady and Miss Buffalo Chip."

Just wow. This was a direct quote from McCain while attending a biker rally in South Dakota. Little do people know that this Miss Buffalo Chip contest is topless...sometimes bottomless.

Classy. Talk about your conservative morals. Oh wait, I forgot, women don't have rights and are just here for their holes and apple pie. If I ever got a glimpse of that cum dumpster naked I would cry.

Take a look - she is eye fucking the shit out of you right now. I think Cindy is a stage name.

POLITICS: New McCain Ad

So Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have reached fame for no reason? Apparently the McCain campaign hasn't heard the song "Lucky" or have seen the sex tape. Because if they did then they would know why these starlets are so famous - because they have talent. They can sing and fuck with the best of them.

In fact, I think Barack is the only guilty one here. No singing talent, no sex tape = loser. Personally, I would have chosen Tiger Woods and Oprah - two no talent assholes who have unfairly taken advantage of affirmative action and anti-slavery laws. Just another sign of desperation and stupidity by the conservative agenda.

POLITICS: Finally I Agree with O'Reilly

This is Bill O'Reilly's thoughts on taxes from the Washington Op-Ed -

"Yes, I am part of the 1 percent of Americans that paid an astounding 40 percent of all federal income tax in 2006. According to recently released Internal Revenue Service figures, about 50 percent of my fellow Americans paid no federal income tax at all that year. My fellow 1-percenters and I covered for them. But for some it is still not enough.

President Obama and a Democratic Congress will likely dole out entitlements like free health care, child care and cash payments to anyone who falls under a certain income level, no matter their circumstances. That means people who drink gin all day will get some of my hard-earned money. Folks who dropped out of school, who are too lazy to hold a job, who smoke reefers 24/7 all will get some goodies in the mail from Uncle Barack and Aunt Nancy, funded by me and other rich folks."

I don't want Bill O'Reilly to pay taxes. I want him to be dead. It's completely unfair to this country that people like him are not only alive but have a disturbing effect on the simple minds of American's.

And his "hard earned" money? Please. Without the all of the poor, stupid people in America tuning into FOX News, he wouldn't even have a job.

POLITICS: John "The Geek" McCain

Amidst his fundraising efforts in the San Francisco Bay area, McCain attacked his grandpa image, letting people know that he is more tech-savvy than people give him credit for. Right. He sounded like an expert though, I'll give him that:

• “I do understand the importance of the computer. I understand the importance of the blogs.”
• “But I am forcing myself … let me put it this way, I am using the computer more and more every day.”
• “I use a computer almost every day. I go on different web sites … ours and the various media.”

The best part about this story is that a local hacker recently retrieved McCain's internet history (via the Patriot Act). The boring stuff was his email and his homepage "hornydefinatelyunderagewhiteandonlywhitegirls.com."

The real kicker was in his outrageous Google searches:
- women, slaves, how to
- viagra
- legalize lynching petition
- diapers, veteran's discount

NEWS: Chalk One Up for the Gays

No riots. No fights. Just dancing sprites in the streets of MA as its house passed a bill to repeal the 1913 law that bars same sex couples from out of state to be married there.



"The bill cleared a final hurdle this afternoon, when the House of Representatives passed the bill on a roll call vote after about 45 minutes of debate. The vote was 118-35, with five members not voting.

The 1913 law prohibits out-of-state couples from marrying in Massachusetts if their marriage would be considered void in their home state, and it has prevented most same-sex couples from out of state from marrying in Massachusetts. LGBT advocates and their allies in the legislature have argued that the law was passed in 1913 in part to prevent interracial couples from skirting anti-miscegenation laws in their home states."

link

This is basically throwing one big semen log in the face of bible thumping conservatives...I love it. WWJD? Probably the guy with the biggest cock, then turn his cum into wine...at least that's what I got out of the Bible.

POLITICS: Stump the McCain

Ahhh...the dramatic effects of Alzheimer's Disease. Because of people like John McCain, birth control is borderline necessary.

For those of you a little fuzzy on McCain's stance on the important issues (aside from Viagra), here a comprehensive list:

Abortion - I'm a war hero
Civil rights - I'm a war hero
Education - I'm a war hero
Environment - I'm a war hero
Family - I'm a war hero
Gun Control - I'm a war hero
Health Care - I'm a war hero
Iraq - I'm a war hero
Seniors and Social Services - I'm a war hero

POLITICS: We Report. You Decide.

I think Old School's Dean Pritchard (a.k.a. Cheese) sums it up best - "Half these guys don't even go here and that one guy is like ninety."

POLITICS: McCain Hates Children

McCain: My position is, it's not the reason why I'm running for president of the United States. And I think that two-parent families are best for America.

Basically, the interview sounded like this:

Q - So you are against gay marriage?
A - I am for two parent families.
Q - What about adoption?
A - I am for two parent families.
Q - Are you a gay senator?
A - I am for two parent families.
Q - Will you answer any question honestly?
A - I am for two parent families.
Q - How many times did you choke your wife?
A - I am for two parent families.
Q - Do you like Taco Bell?
A - I am for two parent families.

Welcome to McMath 101 where -
2 vaginas = 1 parent
2 penises = 1 parent

POLITICS: Shopping with McCain

I can just read his mind - take the fuckin applesauce I picked out you cunt.



"One's Dole and one's..." as he thinks about where mandarin oranges come from. The clip ends abruptly, right before McCain bends over and asks the workers why they don't have black people to clean up spills.

POLITICS: Obama Officially Cannot Be President!

Barack Obama does not give his children birthday presents, believing that his children should not be spoiled. Wow, this is the icing on the cake. This communist doesn't believe in anything American, e.g., inequality, ignorance, or giving expensive plastic shit to his kids.

I even heard that when the Obama children lose a tooth, the Tooth Fairy comes and beats them with a bag of nickels. I guess he expects them to earn everything...stupid. At least they will respect the value of the dollars being stuffed in their g-strings in a couple of years.

NEWS: McDonalds Loves the Gays

Here is another example of what is wrong with America - the Boycott McDonald's movement.



Here is a direct quote from their homepage - “It is about McDonald’s, as a corporation, refusing to remain neutral in the culture wars. McDonald’s has chosen not to remain neutral but to give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage.”

The icing on the cake is the comments section, and here are some of the winners:

• “Sorry but my morals outweigh my appetite. It is so sad I can’t enjoy this eatery anymore. Please consider the MORALS and FAITH of what made this country great.”
  
• “McDonalds - as long as you are supporting the gay agenda my family of 5 will eat somewhere else.”
  
• “I am VERY disappointed that McDonalds has decided to openly support gay activists and so called “gay marriage”. Our family has been regular customers of McD for 30 years, but we are no longer. When we travel this summer we will be looking elsewhere for food -there are many alternatives.True Christians don’t hate Gays, they only desire to have them acknowledge their sinful lifestyle and and accept Jesus’ forgiveness! We are ALL sinners in need of Jesus’ foregiveness.”
  
• “When I travel I look for a McDonalds for breakfast now I’ll go to Bojangles”
  
• “I am 73, my wife is 70 - As much as we have enoyed the golden archers over the years, we will not continue to do so because of your close minded leadership.”
  
• “My wife, my six children, and I will not be supporting McDonald’s. I do not agree with McDonald’s, as a company, using their financial resources to promote a political issue instead of making fast food. If McDonald’s has money to give… then give more to charity…or help fight the spread of AIDS in Africa, etc., use McDonald’s resources to make a positive impact. I sure am going to miss the Southwest Salad, I was addicted.”

• “It’s a sad thing when a company like McDonal’s cares more about supporting the gay life stle than Christian families. Well, they won’t get any more business from our family! From here to shining sea we won’t eat at another McDonalds!”
  
• “McDonald’s, You are suppose to be a family restaurant. I believe that it is inappropriate for you to speak for or against gay issues. Ronald should be neutral.”
  
• “Please read Genesis 19* God destroys Sodom and Gomorrah* Godly moral values has nothing to do with hate. This is about TRUTH. “The TRUTH will set you free”. GUARANTEED! Then please read 1st Timothy 1:9-11.”
  
• “I refuse to set foot in a McDonalds till they change their ways,my 7 grandkids said “we are going to Burger King “”
  McD’s, My family in which I grew up (yes, all 9 of us) loved your restaurant. In High School after the big game I couldn’t wait to get to McD’s. My family of 9, my wife and 7 children, will no longer go to your restaurant after your blatant disregard for what God says in His Word against the sinful lifestyle that you are choosing to promote. If you will reconsider, we may also. As for now, say goodbye to our business. Mike”
  
• “Gay rights? Gives a whole new meaning to “Happy Meal” doesn’t it? Now not only is McDonalds food bad for your health but it is bad for your morals too!!!! We won’t eat there again unless they change their policy.”
  
• “Have you read the bible? No more McDonald’s for me ever.”
  
• “I am informing all my children an gran children to Boycott Mcdonalds, that is a total of 22 people”
  

See, these are the types of people the death penalty was meant for. Unlike the rapists and the murderers of this world, these people have no chance to be saved. Now if you will excuse me I must get some McDonald's.

POLITICS: Killer Electric Cars?

(watch video first)



I completely agree. The first step should be to get rid of all these "silent but deadly" cars that do nothing but save the environment, then we should paint lanes by intersections where people can walk (kind of like a safe zone or something), and then we should invent some sort of device blind people can use like a stick or something. One study shows that the amount of blind people killed by hybrid/electric cars outnumbers those killed by cancer, aids, and bird flu combined annually since 1904. In fact do me a favor and count to 6...............another visually impaired person just got killed by a hybrid. Simply astonishing.

Scenario - Blind person walking on road in downtown city. Blind person comes to intersection and waits to hear noise to walk. Blind person starts walking WHAMMY!!!! a killer hybrid picks off another one. An epidemic to say the least.

Am I missing something here? The problem with energy efficient cars is that they are too quiet? This is borderline ridiculous...I mean, the point of these cars is to reduce pollution, both air and noise, right? What's next, a bill proposing electric cars don't use enough gas? I mean do these people not expect there to be cars on the street? Shocking, you are walking in the city and there are cars on the road. Total fuckin mindblow. Hey, I can't see, so I'm just gonna wander in the middle of the street and if someone hits me it's the cars fault for not being loud enough.

There are approximately 1.3 million Americans who are legally blind. There are about 36.5 million Americans who live below the poverty threshold. Let's pass bills to "help" the blind but deny bills to help families and children who live in poverty. Hmmmm....

If black and white people can learn to get along (I'm talking about the civilized North), then I imagine that hybrids and blinds can learn to do the same. And for all you rednecks who are in love with your cousins and obnoxiously loud 48 wheel trucks cuz they have room for your shotguns, white hoods, and Earnhardt stickers...your opinion doesn't matter here, and it shouldn't matter in the real world.

POLITICS: Bring the GOP to my town

In case you haven't heard, the National GOP Convention will be held in the Twin Cities. Now, at first I felt bad for my neighbors to the left, but not anymore. Minneapolis has decided that during the convention, bar hours will be open to 4 AM. It's gonna be like New Years for a fricken week. And do you know what drunk republicans mean? An increase in demand for male prostitutes? Well yes, but more importantly, drunk Bush twins!(seen at the right) The tabloid headline goes together so well too, "Twin Bushes fall in Twin Cities."

No matter what you think of our great President, you have to admit it would be awesome to say you nailed one of his daughters. Part of me is also tempted to make the 5 hour drive just so i can rip off Tucker Carlson's bow tie and shove it down his throat. But in all seriousness(not that that wasn't serious), who wouldn't love bars being open to 4 am, drunk 'christian's', and the opportunity to see if Ann Coulter is really a woman. I wouldn't recommend that last part though. So because of all that potential awesomeness, I am officially throwing Green Bay in as a contender for the 2012 National GOP Convention. Bring on the Elephants!

POLITICS: Someone Educated These Fairies

Mike Huckabee, former Republican presidential candidate and complete waste of a human, holds many conservative (a.k.a. stupid) views. For example, he is in favor of: building a 700ft fence on the Mexican border to prevent immigration (who would run delicious Taco Bell?), isolating those with AIDS from the general population (maybe he's afraid of getting sneezed on by Magic Johnson), and believes our children should be taught creationism in public schools (you know, that theory supported by all those facts in that big factual book of facts).

In fact, he once said, "There’s never been a civilization that has rewritten what marriage and family means and survived." In essence, Huckabee believes gay marriage will be the end of society. Apparently these guys missed the memo:



A quote from the jingle "And as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked him." I'm guessin the guy on the right with the lazy eye and extra chromosome is the taker. Maybe they thought Huckabee stood for a binding price-ceiling on smooth peanut butter and Indian food, or just handing it out. These guys just need to shit out their semen logs and realize that Huckabee hates them...wrongfully I might add. If I've said it once I've said it a million times - nothing wrong with being gay, just being a conservative.

POLITICS: Boycott the Olympics?

So, what does Redstate.com, Hillary Clinton, and other stupid people have in common? They think we should boycott the opening ceremonies of the Olympic games in China. Others think we should skip the games all together. They say it would be a symbolic stand against China embarrassing them in the world community. A symbolic stand? What the hell does that matter? Does China really care about something so trivial; not when we are importing billions of dollars of Chinese goods every year. That's what we should really be concerned about. But instead of taking a real stand against China, it's better to make some lame attempt involving the Olympics. Give me a fricken break.

Now, don't get me wrong, I hate China like every other warm-blooded American, but I'm for taking a real stand against them, not this bullshit. Boycotting the games and still sending them billions is like spitting in the wind and hoping to cause a flood. But that's the way most Americans think. We'd rather do something symbolic and ultimately meaningless then something concrete and effective but difficult. Taking the easy way out, the American Way!

POLITICS: George W. Worst Ever

A recent poll taken of historians on George Mason University has 61% of them ranking George W. as the worst president of all time. One historian had this to say - "Glib, contemptuous, ignorant, incurious, a dupe of anyone who humors his deluded belief in his heroic self, he has bankrupted the country with his disastrous war and his tax breaks for the rich, trampled on the Bill of Rights, appointed foxes in every henhouse, compounded the terrorist threat, turned a blind eye to torture and corruption and a looming ecological disaster, and squandered the rest of the world's goodwill. In short, no other president's faults have had so deleterious an effect on not only the country but the world at large."

And another -

"Bush does only two things well. He knows how to make the very rich very much richer, and he has an amazing talent for f**king up everything else he even approaches. His administration has been the most reckless, dangerous, irresponsible, mendacious, arrogant, self-righteous, incompetent, and deeply corrupt one in all of American history."

35% ranked him in the ten worst of all time, stating that is too early to proclaim him the worst. The remaining 4% put Bush in the top 2/3 - these are the rich, white idiots. This article doesn't even touch on the stupidity of Rove, Rumsfeld, Yoo, Gonzales, Feith, Alberto, and the rest of the Hitler Youth. Personally, Yoo by far is the worst, since we both slid out in Seoul, S. Korea...only this guy is a genuine jerkoff. But hey, I guess he's not the only one out there who believes in torture and abolishing the Geneva Conventions treaties...but he is the only slanteyed ching chong who is lickin George W's taint while touching his baby penis. At least the only one I'm aware of.

Hit the link for the article**

**I know this article may be difficult to read for anyone out there who is dumb enough (or rich enough) to like Bush - you people only respond to childish things, like loud noises and who promises to give you ice cream. So here are some charts put together by a 3rd grader made especially for you people to understand...I know pie and graph charts made for human beings of average intelligence are difficult for you to comprehend.

SPORTS: Bracketology lessons from America's Future

The future of America looks bleak as both Obama and McCain failed to correctly pick the winner of the NCAA Men's Div I Tournament this year. In fact, neither of them had Kansas or Memphis in the final. Talk about a vote changer...Hillary is looking stronger than ever.

Rumor has it McCain just crossed off all the poor schools and the ones with minorities. Essentially, he has Duke winning every year. I honestly don't see how people like this douche bag. Obama, I must admit I'm a little disappointed. You seemed like a baller to me...perhaps it was your skin.