SPORTS: Need a Fix, Brewers Fans?

Feeling a little under the weather after the Brewers beat down last night? Let's try to be positive, since that always works - there were a couple of bright speckles in the shit Cinci took on us. Bruan and Hall each had a home run, Kendall solidified his MVP resume, and it was actually on tv.

Not working? Thought so...that's why I've decided to recommend cocaine. Cocaine is a widely known stimulant, acting as a dopamine, noradrenaline, and serotonin reuptake inhibitor. This means that it stops these natural neurotransmitters from being reabsorbed into the cells, allowing the body to experience longer effects. In other words, it fucks you up good and turns that frown from the loss into a drooling, confused smirk desperately searching for a cig.

Cocaine is known to cause euphoria to the point of hallucinations, decrease in appetite, hyperactivity, stroke, respiratory failure, renal failure, and oodles of other awesome failures that you don't want to know about. Jackpot! With all of this going on, that Brewer ass beating will get kicked straight to the curb as your brain and body start to shut down on you. Remember, this is all happening while you are loving life. The only side effect I would be worried about is the loss of appetite...but I highly doubt any drug can decrease my eating, so just ignore that side effect and focus on the others.

Brewer game today - have that cocaine ready just in case they suck again. Inject it, snort it, smoke it, sprinkle it on your froot loops - whatever it takes. The glass will no longer seem half empty, but will turn into a parade of dancing spider monkeys chanting Kum Ba Ya.